Since the birth of my son about a month ago we’ve had my Chinese mother-in-law stay with us to help us out with the little one and with odds and ends around the apartment. She is a big-hearted woman from the countryside, though she and her own family have lived in Suzhou for nearly fifteen years. One of the biggest surprises I’ve had is the sheer educational value of home-spun wisdom from the Chinese countryside as refracted through the prism of taking care of a newborn.

Some of the things I’ve learned include:

• a box of two hundred eggs from the countryside is far fresher and healthier for mother and child than any eggs bought in the city. Given that at most my family eats two or three eggs a day, I hope those country chickens put something special in their eggs to keep them fresh for the three months they’ll be taking up space in my refrigerator;
• a fried egg (no liquid yolk) wrapped in a small cloth is a sure way to make sure the baby’s tummy stays warm and his total body temperature stays above 100-degrees Farehnheit;
• when baby has a slight cold nothing unblocks his sinuses better than warm piss on cotton placed on baby’s head;
• if baby has a bad night’s sleep, blame the annoyed ghosts of ancestors past who were disappointed not to be around when baby was born;
• always keep baby boiling: several layers of wool tightly wrapped around baby’s legs and torso are sure to keep out breezes, especially when temperatures are a frigid 35-degrees C (about 100 degrees F);
• mothers should not cry as it sours their breast milk;

Happily, my wife did not drink coffee while she was pregnant, though as gentle readers already know, I love my daily espresso. The family urged me to stop my caffeinated ways lest the baby be born with a permanent coffee-stained complexion. The baby’s skin at birth, though,  was milk-white, much to the family’s relief. So I guess spermatozoa are immune to caffeine, after all. Thank goodness!